The Truth

The truth is I don't post very often because I want to write about everything in my life. However, for me, that involves writing all the details including the ugly ones. Being so detailed and observant can be very overwhelming sometimes and so I neglect my writing in an effort to train my thoughts to find a better place for themselves than my over analytical brain...because who really wants to read the ramblings of a 20-something who cant bring herself to act out the movie playing in her head as she analyzes the rushing lives around her.

Its like one of those images on the screen where the camera is focused on an individual sitting in a park or crowded city square and she is motionless as the figures around her swirl and dash here and there to create whirling flashes of color, as if untouched in the center of a tornado.

This semester has been very interesting for me. A lot of firsts. First calling as a teacher at church. First job on campus. First road trip with boys. First mission friend's wedding reception. First engagement of one of my mission companions. First Palio at BYU with the Italian club.

Recently, it seems like everyone is skipping the whole dating part of courtship and just going straight to the engagement and marriage part. There have been multiple people (for some reason most are from my mission) who have become engaged in the last few months after having dated for only a few weeks. Their engagements are longer than their dating time. I guess when you know its right there is no point in waiting any longer to start the rest of your life.

Sounds like a tornado to me. Every where you go there is another siren announcing the upcoming event and flashing glittery signals that something incredible will happen soon. Its happening all around you but you never actually experience it yourself. You can hear the clatter and delightful screams but it becomes faint with distance.

I've never been or seen an actual tornado. I've seen plenty of tornadoes here in the college town of Provo. Some of these tornadoes don't always involve shiny proposals. Actually a lot of them happen when the sun finally decides to shine long enough for the snow to melt and then the aftermath of twitterpatted debris are strewn across the freshly grown grass. Tiny tornadoes sprouting from the weeds and throwing their relationships all over the lawn. What a delight.

I'm concerned that Provo has made me too confused about what the truth is regarding relationships.

Undecided

Well it seems I am really good at writing about once a month.

Why is it that my life seems to only come into focus for small moments throughout the week and if I'm really lucky, multiple times a day? Probably because my mind is so full of unnecessary things and I haven't found the best way to remove the clutter. I guess over the years, out of habit, or just out of pure comfort I keep that clutter around. It's nice to have a head full of things that at one point were so important.

Probably a good time to get rid of many unimportant things.

I've discovered something about my silly self. I have a tendency to ruin things. However usually those things that I think I have ruined haven't even had a chance to develop. I am just now learning about my defense mechanisms. This new delightful discovery shines a substantial amount of light on certain habits I have. It's always easier to end something before it has a chance to end you. While it may seem like a good tactical move on my part. I dont want it.

I want to be fearless, not irrational or implusive, but take those necessary chances that are required by some unspoken law. There are certain things I feel are meant to be done and I fear that I haven't done many of them. I am careful, cautious and I think way too much about everything. What does that make me? Boring?

It makes me Undecided...

I'm sure normal blogs are supposed to contain a log of all the things I am doing, however since I consider my day to day activities typical, I'd rather write whatever I'm thinking. I refuse to be a "type." I want there to be no words to describe, because that's usually how I feel. So let my writing reflect the words I cannot find to explain the thoughts in my head.

BIRTHDAY

Yesterday was my 24th Birthday.

I dont feel older.... I dont feel old... the number sounds old to me....but I dont feel old.

The day was great. Fun classes, did well on my italian quiz, my family sent me a birthday package, my BFF sent me a bouquet of flowers, went with my sisters to get pedicures, got all dressed up to go out with my friends and they surprised me with italian food at Terra Mia where other friends were waiting to spend the night with the birthday girl. My friends never cease to amaze me. I feel very blessed and loved. They really tried to make it a good night.

We ate good italian pizza made by real italians. We met the owner and cooks and spoke to them in italian (I miss it) we laughed, we enjoyed each other's company and we ate gelato.

We went to a dance party, played scum at my apartment and ended the happy night with hugs and well wishes.

It was a night of celebration and surprises.

I pride myself on being a very observant person. I see things, I analyze and I know what it all means. However I forget that most of the time I have no idea what I am doing. What I mean is I have no idea how I am behaving or reacting to things. I let my emotions get the best of me always. My heart usually makes it's way up from my sleeve to my forehead and I do strange things that I think are contrary to how I feel in an attempt to hide those emotions that so desperately want to escape. I am so busy observing and focusing on others faces, reactions and conversations that I forget about my own reactions, which usually leads to some kind of disaster.

to be continued....

School

Tomorrow is the first day of school for the first fall semester back from my mission.

I'm nervous.

The last few months have gone by so fast and I dont know what to do with myself. It was wonderful to be home with the family and do all that stuff, but I dont feel totally prepared for the next four months of school. Not prepared in the sense that I dont feel I have been properly mixed back into some kind of real social scene. No offense to the people at home but I wouldnt say seeing people you have known for years is really getting back into the swing of things. There was no NEW meeting of people and all that goes with it.

I am excited for classes. Even though it seems that I will have my nose in a different book every week for the next 14 weeks, I'm looking forward to studying and going to class and taking notes. I need something to keep my mind of the so called social things that plague me.

I promise I'm not socially inept, I just happen to look at things in a different way than most I suppose. I tend to over analyze and think about all the possible scenarios of a choice encounter and then everything becomes over dramatic and I psych myself out. Its a problem. I know. The benefit of this over analyzation is that I am really good at reading people. I can figure out a lot about someone in just the first few minutes of meeting them. Thats not always necessarily a blessing....unfortunately I see it sometimes more as a curse.

Anyway....these are just some of the thoughts I've had in these last few days...getting ready for school to finally happen and waiting for all those awkward first meetings to come crashing down around me.

I am anxious. I am excited.

Starting from Scratch

Here I am 6 weeks home from the mission... Italy Catania mission and it feels like starting over. Its a good feeling. A feeling you dont have very often. I am getting back to "normal" life, slowly. I am not in a rush to do anything really. I am enjoying the time I have before I get back into a busy schedule of school and work.

I miss Italy.

I miss my people. The ones who will remain in Italy, my italians, and the ones who will return home in the coming months. I am waiting for a happy reunion. Many happy reunions infact. I look forward to taking advantage of friendships already established. The comfort and easiness of relationships built on the best kind of love. Unconditional. The kind of friendship that no matter how much time has passed since you have seen one another, it feels like you were never apart.

I do not fear the future. I know where I am going and who I am. However, I am cautious of the things to come. I dont know if I am ready for all that life has instore for me in the not-so-distant future, but I am excited for the adventure and the falling that you just cannot plan for.

Hopefully I will be able to figure all this blog stuff out and it will be entertaining.